"In Thoughts from the Visions of the Night, When Deep Sleep Falleth on Men"

I suffer sleep paralysis. African-Americans call it "the witch riding your back," and they're right. It's a condition in which you wake from dreaming sleep, yet your body is still paralyzed. Awareness shifts from wakefullness back to dreaming sleep, and it is impossible to know if you are awake or dreaming. It's bad news. Sometimes I hear voices behind my back. My eyes are open, and I can move them, but not my head to turn and see who is talking. Some people report hearing monsters/boogymen/mass muderers threatening them, but they cannot get up to run. The witch riding your back indeed.

Sometimes these episodes lead into, or out of "false awakenings," when I dream that I wake, get up and start to go about, and then suddenly find myself paralyzed on the couch.

It happens most often when I'm napping, which these days usually only happens on Sunday afternoons. While I can't move or speak during an episode, I can "breathe funny," like Morse Code, and if M is around, she wakes me up. Mostly I've learned to relax and ease myself back into regular sleep and hope I can wake normally after that. It never happens at night. Once or twice when I have slept-in really, really late it has happened.

It's all very Matrix-like. Except it is scary and doesn't involve dodging bullets.

There all many myths to explain this sensation. Most cultures believed ghosts were sitting on the afflicted. Interestingly, if you are of the Hmong people, it may kill you. The rest of us seem to be immune from this fatality.

I'm not going to tie this in with something spiritual. But there are plenty of implications. Enjoy.

Not Just a Small Thing...

Fr. Stephen Freeman and Glory to God for All Things, writes:

...Dostoevsky is correct that God and the devil engage in warfare and the battleground is the human heart. However, the battle is often fought in very small skirmishes. Brief encounters with the good and brief encounters with evil.

It is not true that the little things do not matter. It may well be that the little things are all we will ever encounter. It is true in every great battle. The historians write about large movements of troops and the effect of terrain - but those who actually do the fighting are aware of each stroke of the sword, of the difficulty of fighting wounded, or without food or rest.

By the same token, those who take up their prayers and beg for the mercy of God, may appear to be engaged in a very small thing. Yet prayer is never small. If it has gained the ear of the God of the universe, how can it ever be small?

No act of kindness is ever too small. No generosity of spirit is ever insignificant. No harsh word not spoken is a minor act of restraint. No effort of forgiveness is without value....

Read the rest of his beautiful post here.

Awake, O Sleeper. Or, Doing the Stuff We Need to Do

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was looking through some old memos on the Centro and found a record of exercises recording in October. What I lifted, how much, how many reps and so forth. I was depressed. It was about the same, maybe even a little more than I did last week.

A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with high cholesterol during a routine check-up. Since then I've been exercising at the Y a couple of times a week...for a while, then life or illness or Summertime gets in the way and I stop. Since October I took a few weeks off during Advent/Christmas. Then another three weeks off when I got costochronditis (inflammation of the cartilage in the sternum). Sometimes I just don't feel like going. When the kids don't have to get up early for school, I don't get up in time to workout.

Now I know I need to exercise. It helped the cholesterol level. I also enjoy it. I feel good doing it and feel better all day having hit the gym. But I don't do it as often as I need to, and obviously I'm not making much progress in building strength. Was gibt?

Last November I wrote a novel--well, a novella. It wasn't very good, but I enjoyed writing it. It was something that I have wanted to do since I was a boy. I remember working on an epic fantasy novel when I was in sixth grade, scribbling in a spiral notebook in the darkened classroom while we were supposed to be watching Gandhi. (Why were we watching that movie in 6th grade??) I wrote about 300 words back then.

The next step for my "completed" novel was supposed to be revising. Or starting a second one. Immediately. I've written about 3 or 4000 words since December 1. That's it.

Why don't we do what we want to do? Why don't we do what we're supposed to do? Why do we shrug off that which is good and beneficial? In part, we're undisciplined. We have those wish-dreams of accomplishments they never quite get to. We struggle through to achieve, to make it where we are and grow tired.

In part, we live lives asleep at the wheel. We do what we have to, what we've programmed ourselves to do, what we've always done and then retreat and do the same tomorrow. We think in the past and in the future but never in the now, the moment. Our prayers are halting and irregular, our fasting time is nearly over, our love follows the lay of the land, taking the path of least resistance. If life is comfortable, we cuddle up and settle in.

It's for our salvation when we realize it. Like a lucid dream we see our true condition and our need for salvation in the midst of our need. If I cannot even do the small things like I want, how can I do what is truly good? How can I love the unlovable when I have not the strength to do the smallest things?

There are tips and tricks to awaken ourselves in this life, to meet our goals: the Life Plan; Personal and Family Goals; GTD and Lifehacking; Covey. The "secular" tips and tricks can work, and work well for those who can muster the discipline to keep them going.

But it is a spiritual problem. Everything is when you get down to it. And spiritual problems--acedie, sloth, ennui, whatever you want to call it, demand spiritual solutions: the Sacraments and using the weapons of the spirit: prayer, fasting, almsgiving.

Sobering Coincidence?

Family Planning Associates asks for $395 to kill your baby in the first trimester. It's only $45 to get a pill to do the same thing.

FPA is owned by Irving "Bud" Feldkamp III.

Mr. Feldkamp's two daughters and their husbands and five grandchildren died when their private plane crashed in Butte, MT earlier this week.

The plane crashed into Holy Cross Cemetery.

Holy Cross cemetery includes a "Tomb of the Unborn"--a memorial to all infants killed by abortions.

Lord have mercy upon us all!

HT: Weedon

So What Was the About?

Someone asked yesterday--"What occasioned this last post??" What didn't?

--some long, bitter discussions at other blogs;

--friends acting contrary;

--controversy in our denomination and other church bodies;

--Bailouts;

--temptations (tenatio) all around.

This means it is a good Lent. Satan is testing, prayer increasing, mercy unfolding.

Doom!!

UPDATE--Link to Alan Keyes video fixed.

At the beginning of the week I wrote something about sensing an increasing amount of doom-saying. It's official.

Christianity is on the wane in America (read here)

Evangelicalism is on the wane. (read here)

Catholicism is being persecuted. (the last post)

People are worried about civil unrest. Alan Keyes actually uses the phrase "civil war." (watch this)

Let's be honest: of course we all would much prefer peaceful days and status quo. And frankly, all this doomsday talk bugs me.

...and in a moment of writer's block, my friends at Creative Minority Report (you are friends, aren't you?), just posted another doom and gloom post....

And in my comment there, I was not joking about speaking German. I'm resisting with all my effort to refrain right now. But I don't think this has much to do with this topic.

It's okay to think in terms of End Times (or, Eschatology, if you want to sound snobby). Christ talked that way. St. Paul talked that way. It is Christian. We confess that the Last Days will come in both Creeds confessed in worship. In fact, we believe we are already here--there are just more of them than it sounded like.

I don't want to be that dramatic, but I truly think that there will be a "Come to Jesus" moment in America when the last things we will worry about is the 3G network coming to Enid. Crass materialism is going to destroy us.

But in all these things there is the important thing to remember: it is our duty to love God and love our neighbors as ourselves. We are to pray and fight temptation. This is our calling, whether we have one month to live or the world ends this afternoon or next century. We are in a fight, a war, against the spiritual powers in heavenly places, and it is a war fought and won in thoughts, words, and deeds, in the little moments and choices of life.

And remember, "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." (Matthew 10:28)

Repenting Is Life Itself

Happy Ash Wednesday to all of you....Er, can you say "happy" Ash Wednesday? Per an earlier post, can you speak of a "good" Lent? Isn't it all about sadness and mourning and denial and repentance and ashes?

Well, no. We should (should, should, should) repent of our sins daily. Hourly, really. Shedding tears over our condition is appropriate even. And we in the Western Church do put ashes on our foreheads this day. We no longer sing "Alleluia," saving that praise for Easter. And fasting can be hard. Giving up vices and pleasures even harder (at least for a skinny guy like me).

But man, it's not all bad. Jesus says, "And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, 18 that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. " (Matt. 6:16-18)

But more than that. Repenting is a blessing. A real boon. Having a God who is merciful and is the lover of all mankind--that is good news. The best news. That Christ our Lord has overcome death and sin for us and gives us Himself--not just abstract forgiveness, not just his kind thoughts and warm fuzzies, but Himself to us--that is the best news. Repenting and fasting is not sadness; it is life. It is freedom.

Happy Ash Wednesday!

From Captivity to His Temple

(Now I am belaboring the point, but since this is my pulpit, I guess I have the right) :)

I was thinking that if the header was a Turkish prison, then it was appropriate in terms of sin and repentance. It is where, in my sin, I deserve to be. You know,

"I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations,to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness." (Isa. 42:6-7)

But if it is a church, then how appropriate that would be, too, as He brings us out of prison into His temple, into the sanctuary of His holiness.

The Widow's Mite Reveals My True Poverty

Here is another wonderful post from Creative Minority Report, this one by Patrick Archbold.

The post concerns his reaction to a "reality" show called Secret Millionaires. On the show, wealthy people go slumming for a week or so and then are supposed to give a large donation to someone they met. The gem of the show is not the hubris and condescension of the wealthy, but the generosity and mercy of the poor.

Here's an excerpt:

This week we met woman who got hooked on drugs when her child died and spent fifteen years in and out of prison. She finally got her life back on track and henceforth devoted it to sheltering and helping other women, newly released from prison,adjust to life on the outside. She found women dropped at the bust stop straight from prison with nothing but $200. She takes them in and helps them back on their feet. She had nothing, but now gives everything she has, her widow's mite.

Unmistakable in the lives of these secret saints, albeit not emphasized on the show, is the role of faith. Their faith manifests in their lives as love and charity at levels I thought existed only in books about the lives of saints from bygone eras. People like this don't exist anymore, right? I, like the millionaires I find slightly icky, just write checks and congratulate myself even while knowing the checks could and should be bigger.

While I am far from a millionaire, I realize more now that there is more to charity than writing a check. I have a lot more to give than just money. I could and should be giving more of myself. If I did, perhaps then I would be more than just a poorer version of those very public millionaires, and I could be more like these secret saints and more like Christ.

Keeping Advent

The blogs I read have been strangely quiet on the tragedy at Walmart this weekend. I suppose there may not be much to say but "Lord have mercy."

In Advent we repent. It is a penitential season, despite the caroling and yuletide cheer. Every time is a season of repentance, though, if you think about it. When do we not have something of which to repent? When are we not something needing repentance?

I know people who don't think about this much, or at all. I write about it, but haven't even started repenting properly. But if you're in need of finding something, think about those who trampled at Walmart.

I know you didn't do it. I know you weren't there. I know that you think you would have rushed to help the person.

But you could have been there. You've felt that mad rush, that compulsion to step on others to get what you want. You've thought that others were no more than obstacles in your path, to be pushed aside.

If you need to repent of something, think about Jdimytai Damour, 34, of Queens.

Lord have mercy.

What To Do When Worst Comes to Worst

From From Where I Sit by Michael Hyatt, Presdient & CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers.

He writes that in whatever situation you find yourself, you must do two things:

1. Confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.
   
   
2. Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.

This is what author Jim Collins refers to as “The Stockdale Paradox.” In his book, Good to Great, he tells the story of Admiral James Stockdale, who was a prisoner of war for eight years during the Vietnam War.

After his release, a reporter asked Admiral Stockdale, “How in the world did you survive eight years in a prisoner of war camp?”

He replied,

I never lost faith in the end of the story. I never doubted not only that we would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event in my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.

The reporter then asked, “Who didn’t make it out?” Admiral Stockdale replied,

Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. They were the ones who said, “We’re going to be out by Christmas.” And Christmas would come and go. Then they’d say, “We’re going to be out by Easter.” And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”

This sounds a lot like repentance and faith in Christ.

Judgment and Repentance

It is certain that on the Last Day we will be judged on what we have done. "And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Then another book was opened, which is the book of life. And the dead were judged by what was written in the books, according to what they had done" (Rev. 20:12 ESV; see also Matt. 25:35).

It is certain that our salvation depends not upon our keeping the Law, but upon the grace of God who gives us faith (Eph 2:8-10). Salvation cannot be earned or merited. Salvation--having eternal life in the Body of Christ is something outside of us that must be granted to us. Christ came to make the dead live, after all, and the dead cannot make themselves alive. Salvation is a gift.

So how do we reconcile these two views which appear to contradict one another? The one is the image of being judged, of being weighed, while the other shows that we never deserve it based on our own works or abilities.

They are not contradictory. Faith is a gift, but it must show fruit. Making alive is the work of Christ, but alive people do living things, not things of death. As James says, "Faith without works is dead." (Jam. 2:26)

This may be one of the greatest differences between Protestants and the Orthodox and Catholics. Protestants tend to ignore the judgment seat of Christ that weighs our works. When they think of the Last Judgment at all, they think of forensic justification, that our deeds will not be counted at all, that Christ will recognize Himself in us, as it were, and the subject of what we actually did in this life will never be mentioned.

It seems to me that Catholic and Orthodox Christians alike focus on Christ as our Judge. He says He is, after all (Matt. 25:31ff). And they recognize that He will judge our actions. When they consider their spiritual lives, they think of that Judgment seat of Christ. They think of their souls being laid open before Him. This vision alone should preserve all people from any sense of works-righteousness. This thought alone should keep every one of us from ever trusting in our own good works or holiness. Thinking of every thought, word and deed open and visible to our God, what could we possibly hope in besides the mercy of God?

Notice, I did not write that the leading Protestant views and the Catholic views (as I understand it) are incompatible. Both things are true. God does remove our sins as far as the east from the west. (Psa. 103:12) But He does "come to judge the living and the dead" and the works we have done. Both of these views must be kept together. Faith is not faith if it does not repent of our wicked deeds and strive to please God. Judgment will be...harsh...if we trust that we are basically good folks and trust in our niceness and generosity instead of throwing ourselves on the undeserved mercy of God.

Our Christian life, however empowered by the Holy Spirit, is not on autopilot. Christ commands that we be active in this life of the fruits of repentance, by taking up our cross, by seeking the kingdom, by hearing the word of God and doing it. The violent (that is, the forceful) bear it away. (Matt. 11:12)

The Readers Speak: Against Controversy

And they like the controversy, despite what Abba Matoes said. It is common to all blogs, and all media, for that matter. Controversy gets readers. Looking back over my analytics data, the most hits have come from posts about converts to Orthodoxy, LCMS problems, and whenever Pr. Weedon links to me (no controversy there--his blog is just extremely popular).

But why is controversy popular? There is the element of schadenfreude, to be sure. This ought to give us great caution, for one day it may be us on the headlines and disgraced in whatever manner. There is what Walker Percy observed in Lost in the Cosmos: The Last Self-Help Book (as I remember it): controversy, tragedy, catastrophe and the like charm us because we hate ourselves and our lives. We crave something, anything that will break the monotony of existence, the dullness of our souls and minds, the daily grind that crushes us.

That we are vapid and suffer ennui is undeniable. But controversy and wickedness and catastrophe do not truly wake us from the accidia and vapidity of our lives. It really only feeds it, nourishes it. True life, a true waking from spiritual slumber can only come through the life of Christ and living by the Spirit. True wakefulness, true engagement with the world, a genuine break of monotony are found in the riches of the inner life. The kingdom of heaven is within us.

Of course, our blockbuster-loving, high octane cravings for entertainment rail against such statements. How could prayer and fasting, service and humility, love and meekness possibly give us satisfaction? How can peace excite us an awaken us from the doldrums of the commute, the cubicle, the field and the factory?

They cannot as long as we feed ourselves a constant stream of decadence and mayhem, films of destruction and hilarity, roaring crowds and large screens, stimulation and stimulation.

Are these that satisfying, after all?

Who To Be at Your Funeral

Here's a great post by semi-regular commenter "-C" at her blog Transposzing.

"He Spent His Whole Life Preparing for this Day"

That's what she said.

Was she a wife talking about her husband on the day he won the Tour de France?

Was she a mother, talking about her son as he was about to begin his debut performance at Carnegie Hall?

Actually, she was a daughter talking about her father at his funeral.

Now I am not generally much of an appreciator of the comments or shared memories of family and friends of the deceased which are made during a funeral service. There are alot of reasons I don't care much for it, some of which are theological, some practical, and yet other reasons are nothing but a matter of personal preference.

But that being said, I attended the funeral of a man from our church a couple of weeks ago, a brother in Christ who was a faithful member of our parish community. His wife died only a few short months ago. Near the end of the service, his children were invited forward to speak and I sat back and sighed and prepared to start counting the little mosaic tiles on the iconostasis. But his daughter's first statement brought me back to attention.

"He spent his whole life preparing for this day," she said.

How profound those few words are. How much they say about what our earthly life is to be ... a preparation for our death. And how different this is from what the world says our life is to be (something measurable at the end by our accomplishsments, by how much wealth and stuff we have accumulated, by how well our name is known, by the "legacy" we have left).

I have thought about this statement of hers a hundred times since that day. It's the most significant comment from a loved one I have ever heard at a funeral.

I hope I never forget it.

Wonderful Prayer

O Lord Christ, Word of the Father, who came into this world to save sinners, I beseech Thee, by the innermost depths of Thy mercy, cleanse my soul, perfect my actions, put in order my manner of life, take from me what is harmful to me, and what displeases Thee. Grant me what Thou knowest is pleasing to Thee, and profitable to me. Who but Thou alone canst make clean what was conceived of unclean seed? Thou art the Omnipotent God, Infinite in mercy, Who makest sinners just, and givest life to the dead; Who changest sinners, and they are sinners no more.

Take from me therefore whatever is displeasing to Thee; for Thy eyes can see my manifold imperfections. Stretch forth, I beseech Thee, the hand of Thy mercy, and take from me whatever in me offends the eyes of Thy goodness. In Thy hands, O Lord, are my health and my infirmity. Preserve me in the one; heal me in the other. Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed, save me, and I shall be saved: Thou Who dost heal the sick, and preserve those who are healed, Thou Who by Thy nod alone dost renew what is ruined and fallen. For if Thou wilt sow good seed in Thy field, there is need also to pluck from it the thorns of my sins by the hands of Thy mercy....

(St. Augustine, Prayer for the Gift of Tears, PL 40, Book of Meditations I, Ch. 36, col, 930)

Ancestry

We Americans, this displaced, mutt-ish people love to tell others about our ancestral percentages--I'm 33% this and 25% that and so forth. It helps explain strange last names, different skin tones (where applicable) and give excuses for our temperament, so we think.

What's funny about it is that depending on our mood and current likes, we can appeal to whatever race or nationality we feel like at the time. Someone says, "Yesterday I was feeling dramatic and passionate, so it must be my Latin blood, but today I'm stoic and closed-minded--that's my German coming out." However, the true reason we feel passionate and grumpy, hard-headed and then fun-loving is that we are dis-integrated sinners, whose entire personality is slowly becoming undone as we slavishly follow the whims of sin and temptation. You may call it "being yourself," but yourself is often a selfish, wicked pig whose identity is being corrupted by sin. Me too. To be sure, our German-ness, Irish-ness or whatever-ness is not to blame.

Of course we can also celebrate our ancestry in a Christian manner, remembering how God brought our disparate forebears together, confirming them in their faith (or not), doing good (or not), and so on. Our past, our family, is important, and as Americans we have the nearly unique privilege of having many families, many pasts, forebears of many nationalities.

Who am I? My mother's side is 100% German...well, Jewish German on her mother's side. This was a family secret for some time. Apparently my Granmother's cousins freely admitted it, but she denied it to the grave. My mother only found out about fifteen years ago. So sometimes I like to play the "Jew Card." At the seminary I would occasionly say, "During the Exodus of my people..." or "You Gentiles are now part of Israel like me." Many found it irritating. Some of those (anglicized) family names are Lovercamp, Inselmann, Heaper, Neuhaus. Mother's father's family immigrated here before the 1860's; some of these fought on opposite sides of the American Civil War. Others fled Germany relatively later, coming only to America in the last 120 years.

My Father's side is more mixed--Anglo-Saxon and Celt: we have Hall, Thompson, and Patrick. We've got some colorful stories on this side. One Great-great uncle lived next to the James Farm in Kearney, MO. He told my grandpa stories of that trashy, good-for-nothing James family--"Frank and the Old Woman" he called them. Jesse was dead by then. Once the FBI blew up the farmhouse, the "Old Woman" moved to town. A decade or so after her death, the house changed hands and my grandmother was born in it.

Those in the St. Louis area may be interested that another Great-great Uncle was John Ravenscroft Patrick, an amatuer archeologist and alleged antiquities (grave) robber. Concerning the Cahokia Indian Mounds, Wikipedia accurately reports, "the survey made for local dentist Dr. John R. Patrick in the 1880s marked the beginning of modern understanding of the Cahokia site as a whole, and its relationship to other sites in the area."

I like to think of him as a teeth-pulling Indian Jones.

Sacreligious People Actually Repent This Time

It was one of those "Odd News" stories you hear from time to time--filler on the evening news, the butt of Leno's jokes and a "sign of the apocalypse" from conservative bloggers: a couple in Italy had...relations in a confessional...and were caught. Police were called, people were outraged, the Bishop came to sanctify the church once again.

I would have ignored it if they story ended there. Sadly, it's not too uncommon to read stories that stop at this point. But this time there's an epilogue. The couple repented, asking forgiveness from the Bishop. He granted it. Apparently they weren't Satanists, druggies, heathens, nor were they opposed to authority, Church-haters, or even selfish secularists oblivious and insensate to holy things.

They sinned. They apparently have some spiritual issues. They were overcome with lust, drunkenness and general foolishness. But in this they don't differ from any of us who are overcome by our passions and sin--always foolishly, sometimes egregiously. And they were moved to contrition, apologizing and repenting to the Bishop. And like all of us who repent, they were forgiven. It's a good Christian story, apart from the unseemliness of it.

...And These Guys Are Considered to be "Light on Sin"

Those who seek humility should bear in mind the three following things: that they are the worst of sinners, that they are the most despicable of all creatures since their state is an unnatural one, and that they are even more pitiable than the demons, since they are slaves to the demons. You will also profit if you say this to yourself: how do I know what or how many other people’s sins are, or whether they are greater than or equal to my own? In our ignorance you and I , my soul, are worse than all men, we are dust and ashes under their feet.

- St Gregory of Sinai

With What Measure Ye Mete

I've been thinking about the Golden Rule. Am I treating others on this blog the way I want to be treated? What if some unknown blogger out there started scouring my written words for inconsistencies? What if someone got a hold of my congregation's minutes and looked for ways that I allegedly deceived others?

The man inside says, "Nonsense! They would find none!" But I know that's not true. I am a great and terrible sinner. I'm sure if someone looked, they could find instances of me speaking out of both sides of my mouth, or at least giving the impression of that. Lord have mercy!

I must remember these words, "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." (Matthew 7:2 KJV). I do not condemn Pres. Kieschnick, David Strand or any others involved in the current mess for their sins. I cannot, lest I condemn myself. I pray they repent of any and all sins they have and will commit, and I hope they pray for me too. I don't even care if they repent privately and we will never know.

But I do have the duty to speak about what is happening. Public actions need public response. I have the duty to my parishioners who read this. I have the duty to others who read; I have been called to speak the Truth, and my congregation encourages me to broadcast in whatever fashion is available to me. People who have vested interest in the LCMS need to know what is happening.

So, if you're debating beginning a series of posts decrying and denouncing the Rev. Christopher D. Hall and all I do and stand for, exposing any lies and my hidden agenda, well, I suppose I deserve it.

God have mercy on us all

... and good luck with that. Send me a link.

The Symptoms of Avoiding Vocations

I've been thinking and praying a lot lately about using our time and gifts well, and doing what God would have us do.

Evangelical and Charismatic Christians speak often about having a "call" to do this or that. They use this language sometimes to mean that they have a strong desire to do something, have prayed about it, and really want to do it. Other times they will say that they "are called by God," and this is an excuse not to do something you want them to.

In one sense these Christians have it right. God has given each of us gifts and a vocation--a calling, a situation, a place in which to serve Him and our neighbors. Working in our vocation is, truly, doing what God has called us to do. When they speak of their vocations in this lofty sense, they do all of us the favor of reminding us that our lives are for something, for other people's good and for His glory. There are questions that such an understanding raises, however. Questions like, "How do I know what my vocations is? How can I be certain it is from God and not from me?" and "How do I change vocations?"

But I've been thinking about another question: what happens when you don't do your vocation, when you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing? How can you tell you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing?

It is true that our enemy works to keep us from attaining God's will. The devil tempts us away from doing what we ought, and when we succumb, we suffer. So when you are not doing your vocation(s), life stinks. You feel guilty when doing other things, and they do not bring you much joy. You feel tired for no reason. These are symptoms similar to depression, but in this case, it is a spiritual phenomena, not biochemical.

Another symptom of avoiding your vocation is that when you cannot do it, you want to, but when you have time, our flesh and our enemy distracts you and keeps you from fulfilling it. For example, at work and on the way home you want to see your children and play with them, but when you finally arrive home, you find yourself tired from the commute and distressed that the house is messy and the children are loud, and all you want to do is get the house clean and the children eating, or in bed, or doing homework quietly. However, once they are all in bed, you talk to your spouse about trying to be a better parent, and find that you are telling each other stories about funny things the kids did and pining at how fast they grow up. Sound familiar? It does to me. Our enemy has spent another day keeping you from your vocation as parent and you and your children suffer for it.

We must arm ourselves against this. Recognize those symptoms of avoidance and pray for strength to overcome. Recognize what you spend your time thinking about, and pray that God will help you shift the balance from thinking to doing, from pining and thinking to acting and enjoying. In doing this, we are doing what God would have us do, living in the moment, living for today.